Currently I’m working through a disease flare up (exhaustion and pain) and a depressive episode. I’ve been through both before but this time it has been compounded by driving myself into the ground at work and I feel all of thw above because this one doesn’t feel like it is straightforward to get out of.
At work, we were understaffed and I just kept working bigger, better, harder, faster in a job I LOVE. I have an insane work ethic.
But here’s the interesting thing. My symptoms don’t discern between work I love and work I don’t.
They discern between whether I am taking care of myself and whether I am not.
I had returned to work in the summer fresh off my disease diagnosis, surgery, 3 kids under 5 and major passion for my side projects. Then it began to all fall apart.
Exhaustion so bad I desparately sought out places to lie down on breaks, immobility in the mornings, a few urgent care trips, and increasing panic at work with every additional meeting, or project in an already full schedule with people waiting 3 weeks to get one of a few coaching slots. An hour commute each way and the impending sense of dread, that I couldn’t handle my own life. I didn’t have time for ANYTHING that fuels my spirit. Being outside in nature. A social life. Creative expression.
Just drive to work. Work like a madwoman (keeping up the standards of a worker without 3 kids.) Drive home. Make dinner. Put the kids to bed. Pray for noone to wake up. Go to bed at 9. Repeat.
Nothing was really keeping my soul afloat, and I could tell that was making the disease worse too. Yet, I couldn’t clamber out, because yes in my mind I was like “ah, you’ll get through this just start going to the gym, get an extra nap, etc. You know, the usual.
That’s depression 😩 you feel so utterly overwhelmed, exhausted that you want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world.
You are overwhelmed and don’t know where or how to begin, because nothing you knew to use before, works this time. That is scary.
That is depression and that is when you get your ass to your doctor, and a psychologist and be KINDER and more LOVING to yourself than you have ever been before.